I’m surprised at how numb I am to the feeling. It’s like you said, it didn’t phase me at all. I guess in a way it’s good cause I’m not stressing. Maybe it’s cause I already know what I want to do. 

It’s time to just emerge from all of this and take a deep breath. I love that I can just listen to music and be happy again.

Sometimes I wish I can just take a step back and look at the situation from a third person perspective. I just get so lost in my own thoughts, opinions, and emotions that I can’t see everything clearly. No one will ever understand.

In order to find yourself you have to first get lost right?

I’m a crybaby. Ask me what’s wrong and I’ll break down right in front of you. I consider myself a good listener. I don’t understand a lot of things. I believe I’m pretty open-minded. I believe I’m very forgiving. At the same time, it’s hard for me to let go. I’m soft spoken by nature. I don’t like to repeat things. I can’t hear well but I’m too impatient to repeat myself when others can’t hear me. I’m needy. I’m lazy. I have submit to love. I have lost my way. I have yet to find my way back. I’ve grown more attached. I love to laugh. I love company. I hate being alone, most of the time. I put school behind everything. I’m already behind. I can’t get myself to focus. I have no passion for my future. I need ambition. I’m worried about where I’ll end up. I don’t always do what’s best for me even though I know better. I have many regrets. I know I deserve better. I’m scared I won’t ever get it. I blog when I’m sad. I write because I’m afraid I’ll forget. I’m dying to be happy. I’m excited for these next few weeks. I’m anxious/nervous about these next few weeks. I miss home. I miss driving. I really want a dog. I spend money on other things besides my family. The guilt is starting to eat me up. Word vomit.

I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. I just want to be in love…

I’m listening to my heart but I really hope my head’s in there somewhere.

I love having messages to read when I wake up. Makes me happy to see that little envelope icon. But lately I haven’t gotten any… :| Should I start waking up at 5pm again?

I miss sleeping in but I need the money. Eff you subsidized loans. I don’t need you, sigh. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. If not, a millionaire would be nice too.

Every end of the summer I have the same dreams that usually involve me slacking off in some class, forgetting to do homeworks, forgetting some important project or even missing a test and it freaks the hell out of me until I wake up and realize it’s a dream. That feeling is the best. Why must you haunt my dreams school? Give me a break.

Summer is slowly dwindling away and I have yet to make it an awesome few months. However, I’ve lost the will to feel disappointment or even to thrive for something more. I’ve accepted this mundane routine and learned to appreciate the few good moments that trickle down every once in a while. Regardless, I still feel the bitter sadness when I realize that there really isn’t much to do when there are limits placed upon me. I can only do so much to make a difference. I don’t mind giving up. It’s a lot easier to do. Boy, am I proud of myself.

While we’re on the topic of things that I’m proud of myself for, I’ve also noticed how I don’t really care to keep in touch with people anymore. I don’t want to say that I don’t care about them. I just don’t care to do so. It’s not like I’m withdrawing or removing myself intentionally. I just don’t have the energy to make the first move. For the past few months I’ve been absorbed with one issue, with one person and I feel like I’m sill trying to figure things out. I’m still trying to figure myself out and what I want, what I need. I guess I’m tired and scared of carrying out actions that will alter my life drastically so I just go with the flow hoping that things will unfold itself. I feel like I’m just a chess piece in a game that’s being moved around and I’m fine with that. I don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry to the many that I’ve lost touch with or have been distant from but I hope you realize that I do miss you and I do have intentions of reconnecting, just not right now.

I’m trying really hard to be content with everything, to just be happy and not let the worried thoughts take over my mind. But sometimes I just can’t help it. I can’t help but think “What am I/are we doing?”, “Where do I/we go from here?”, “Now what?”. I keep thinking of those characters in the typical movies that find some sort of liberation and learn to just let go of the one negative setback that they endured. How do they do that? How do I find mine? I tell myself that I’ve gotten over it but the thoughts and memories keep creeping back at the most unexpected times. And when it does, I feel that small flame of anger slowly reigniting inside of me. How do I put it out permanently and just close the door on it?

You’re right. I’m not satisfied with your answers because I don’t believe them. I refuse to accept that the answer is always “I don’t know”. And even if it truly is, I refuse to accept that you can just accept that. I really want to believe but I can’t help but feel doubts and insecurities. Trust is such a hard thing to rebuild when there’s not much to work with. Love really is blind.

Every time I see your face, only one 4-letter word replay through my head like a broken record. I think that’s all you will ever be now, to me at least. Most of the time I feel anger. Other times it’s just pity and regret towards you. Your existence weighs me down. I know there are other factors but you are the main source of unhappiness that I’ve felt these past few months. I need to get over you. I need to not care anymore. I need to just make my peace with it, with you. Question is, how do I do that?

My neighbors cut down their trees yesterday and they piled all the scraps up on their lawn. My mom sees that I’m awake at 7:50am and asks me to come help her “roll the trunks over”. She wanted them as a seats near our front porch. I would’ve said no so that she wouldn’t go through with it since the wood would be too heavy for her to bring back by herself. But being the person that she is, she would’ve done it anyways with or without my help. So I unwillingly went with her and together, we rolled the two trunks across the street back to our house. Now if you come visit me, you will get the privilege of sitting on our newly fashioned stools next to our door. She told me to make my friends sit there while they wait for me…

Extremely excited for Game 1 of Finals today. MAVS <3 I’m a bandwagon fan.

Now, time for some shut eye.

I miss having someone.

I’m physically exhausted but I can’t allow myself to sleep until my mind turns itself off. I need to distract myself from all the thoughts that are swarming around in my head but there’s really not much to do at 4:00 in the morning. I’m really hoping for some good dreams tonight. Even if it’s not real a little happiness goes a long way.

I want to start working out tomorrow. Knowing me, I probably won’t do it…BUT I can still hope. My lack of motivation to do things that I hate has been at the same level since forever. I really need to work on that…

I can’t wait to play tennis again. It’s been way too long. I got to a good level last summer. Hopefully, I can reach that point again. If you’re interested in playing, let me know :D BUT you can’t be too good or else you’ll crush whatever morale I have left.

I discovered a dog park in Austin last week and I’ve been craving to go back. Only one problem…I have no dog :/ I’m going to look like such a creeper showing up by myself just to watch other dogs run around. Anybody need a dog sitter when I come back to Austin?

Job hunting is going to suck.

Life is so fucking unfair.

I know that time heals all. I know that it will all get better in the end. I know that it’s not the end of the world. But in my darkest moment, I find it hard to believe any of that. At the same time, I find it unbelievably easy to just take the easy route and get away.

Stage 6: Downhill